Back from the beyond

Sorry it’s been a while folks!

I’ve not disappeared off the face of the earth, honest!  This year is the year of crazy planning.  My cousin got married in April, my best friend is getting married in a few weeks (we celebrated her hen do at solstice) and I am getting married/handfasted this Halloween.  I am very excited but have not yet got to the list stage so my head is completely full-to-the-brim with things that need doing… and have not yet been done!  It’s OK, at some point I will crack and pour the contents of my brain out onto several bits of paper and all will be calm once again for a little bit.

In other news, I’m writing… albeit sporadically but it’s happening.  I have decided that I’m not going to get a huge amount done this year and am not at all beating myself up about that, but every so often I just have to get things on paper else my ideas will explode (or even worse disappear)… I’m enjoying the process so I will see where that takes me.

Talking about new adventures… (seamless link there!) I’ve also decided to do more things that scare me!  I did the 700m zip line at The National Diving and Activity Center this weekend – something, which as a someone who has suffered from a lifetimes fear of heights, I never thought I would do!  I did exactly what terrified me and I am stronger for doing it!

So in that vein, I’ve been having a bit of a think about ‘my direction’ and where I’m going. Bottom line is that I’m scared!  I’m scared of insecurity, of wasting time, of taking a risk and nothing coming from it.  Worse! Taking a risk and being laughed at.  I’m scared of making the first step towards what I want in case that step is into the firing line… but if I don’t make the step then I will never know what is around the corner.

If I jump off this cliff, will there be a zip-line or a very hard landing.

So I’m determined to face the things that scare me, to do things because I want to and just to see where that takes me.  A life needs to be lived and I will do my very best to do so!

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The fruit of unsuccessful procrastination…

So I finally got my talk done, even though I turned procrastination into an Olympic sport, I did what I needed to do, and actually on the day it was fine – didn’t talk about everything I was going to but then also added things which I wasn’t going to cover. So all in all better than I thought although I whittled on for far too long (which I always end up doing)… but I do think that’s the nature of a ‘dis-organised’ religion, we’re not in a hurry to explain anything or go anywhere.  To be fair, Tolkien wasn’t far off the mark when Gandalf said “‘A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.’  Things get done, just when they need to be done – so let it happen naturally.

So I’m perched in Wetherspoons, drinking coffee and stealing their wi-fi (other establishments are available to thieve from) and I realise that sometimes I get a little caught up in the routine of my world.  My commute, my work, the weekend and I forget that we all need things that challenge us.  We need the storms and the challenges to allow us to grow and thrive. Perhaps life is like an immune system and the more hits we take, the stronger we become.

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So ok, it was only an hours talk at the local college, and its not a huge thing but it was outside of my comfort-zone.  I took such a leap of faith when I came to Wales for the first time, new job, new home and technically new country.  With no friends or family close by I felt very isolated and lost that vitality that allowed me to speak with confidence.

The times have changed, I have a different job now, my work family are amazing and I have formed strong bonds with new friends who make my life one that is full of smiles.

So today was the first time in a very long time that I have put myself out there, that I allowed my voice to be heard and that I felt confident that actually, perhaps I am worth listening to and what I have to say matters.

Procrastination: This season’s new apathy!

So I have a lot to do today – to be fair, I have had a lot to do for months.

At university my work strategy was to leave everything to the last possibly minute, then spend the 72 hours before the deadline without sleep and living solely on caffeine and sugar.  Worked for me then and it seems like I haven’t grown up.

In a week, I’m guest speaking at a local college on alternative spirituality.  It should be easy, just say what I think, throw in a few slides and ta-da!.  It shouldn’t be hard, I’ve done talks before, I’ve run monthly meet ups and gatherings but its Sunday morning and I seem distracted by everything around me… like a magpie with ADD.  I’ve done the slides, I know what I need to talk about but my brain is away in cloud-cuckoo-land and not in any way cooperating with me…

(But I am on my 3rd strong coffee so I am invoking 20-year-old University-Kittie in the hope that she kicks me up the bum.)

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I am also getting married in 9 months, and although this is plenty of time to get things sorted, we have been engaged for a million years and there is a lot to do organise.  We are having 2 ceremonies, a civil ceremony followed by a Pagan handfasting. At the moment in England & Wales, Pagan weddings can’t be solemnised legally so we are having one after the other (Scotland regards them as legal however so there is progress there!) So I need to finish writing the first draft of the Pagan ceremony so I can send it off to the lovely gentleman who will be officiating for feedback.  At the minute it’s in bits in my head, laptop and random bits of paper tucked into books strategically piled around the house.  Much to the despair of Mr Williams who keeps tripping over them.

We also need to think about vows on the legal one.

And invitations… (which will include the line “there will be no audience participation” – there is nothing worse than not knowing what you are getting yourself into.  I don’t want our marriage to be associated with the feeling of dread you get at a pantomime when Button’s asks for a ‘willing’ volunteer)

NB:  Don’t joke about naked weddings & goat sacrifices with work colleagues who have just completed equality and diversity training… They take you very seriously and support your right to religious decisions and practices. (I felt soooo bad! I’m vegetarian!)

Added to this, I have the slight background radiation of a collection of Earth poetry which again is in bits spread between my brain, notebooks and laptop…. along with a story which isn’t behaving in my head enough to capture it in words.

So I got up early to make a start, I’ve done my banking, listed a couple of things on ebay, paid some bills, wrote an email to my mum, played with the dogs, had a conversation with the chickens, made a cooked breakfast for Mr Williams, folded the laundry, put the dishwasher on, had another cup of coffee and settled down to work… then procrastinated by writing a blog on procrastination.

Oh well… nearly time for lunch so I should probably have a break.